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Photo: Instagram If you haven't heard of Tinder, then congratulations: You are probably in a loving, monogamous relationship. And the best part about Tinder is you can people-watch without even putting a bra on. For every guy with a nice smile holding a shelter puppy is a dude in a fedora popping bottles at the local T. The "Only Here For Sex" Dude will make things pretttttty clear in his bio, usually by telling you what he's only there for.
(SWIPE LEFT) But those of you single and ready to swingle are probably well-versed in the dating app taking the world by storm. But, because of its ease of use and likelihood of being able to "get it in" on a bi-monthly basis, Tinder attracts all kinds. The more confident of this species may even list size if he is so inclined.
The concept is simple: Sign in using your Facebook account, pick your best photos (most of mine originated from the Hubble Space Telescope for prime thinness), and begin swiping people you want to date to the right, and people who must really REALLY have some serious issues happening if your desperate ass doesn't want to date them, to the left. (Only here in LA, for example, most people are swiping for dates when they SHOULD be rehearsing lines for their upcoming CSI: Miami audition as Cadaver 1.) Sounds simple enough, right? For this guy, there is no physical detail or fetish too personal to lay on the line on Tinder. Look, if he took *IT* *OUT* I suggest swiping left for sanitary purposes alone.
I've crunched the numbers (numbers = smoked almonds), and come up with this informative Tinder guide for you ladies wading into the digital dating poo.
But after using the app for so long, I've also noticed certain patterns in the way men present themselves via their Tinder profiles.
(Well whose fault is it for living so close to a T. Even comedian Whitney Cummings gave it a try, to hilarious results.
In that span, I've gone on a few dates with nice enough guys, and know a few close friends who are pursuing serious relationships with their Tinder matches.
) I myself have been a part of this Tinder experiment for about six months.
Dog cocking his head sideways, eyebrows up; grown man holding two kittens up to ears to keep them warm; prospective future boyfriend rolling around on the grass with his puppy; man of your dreams slow-dancing with a husky.The Animal Lover is perhaps the most confusing of all Tinder types.Sometimes you see a cute dog pic and your instinct is to swipe right imeeds. You're drunk** of a man's back as he admires a scenic overlook; view of a man surfing from 3 blocks away; group shot taken with more than one person, or worse, multiple group shots; selfie taken in the dead of night. But if there is no photo of the man whatsoever, take that square, drag it to the left, and let's never talk about it again.Well The Animal Lover has you right where he wants you. The Riddler is a guy all too common on Tinder, a man who for personal or professional reasons has chosen to remain a mystery on his profile. Well, here's a hint: If it's a group shot, always choose the ugliest guy in the picture. Initial profile pic shows a man, smiling with his eyes, pausing for a moment to capture a perfect moment forever.This is a man who will stop at nothing to manipulate you. Unlike your Almost Nudes, The Riddler leaves you thirsty for more. Perhaps he is bike riding in Sonoma, or casually strolling down a European side street, or holding a box full of canned food he's about to donate to charity, or picnicking. He's just trying to be the best man he can be for his future family.Mid-squat at his local crossfit; climbing a rope wall while participating in a mud run; flexing his muscles in a mirror; standing in front of a juicer, liquefying some produce he jogged to the farmer's market for. Seeking the same fit girl to live this fit lifestyle. Worldly, kind-hearted, confident, humble, perhaps he is holding a family of kittens he just rescued out of a gutter, or better yet, a block of cheese. The Perfect Man is 6'3" but he won't tell you that because he wants a girl to love him for him.Sometimes Vegan, depending on where the moon is in its cycle. "Just moved here from Europe, and would love someone to explore the city with.ALT: (This is an actual Health Freak bio I came across) "Please have REAL photos of yourself. I'll cook you dinner if you'll let me talk about my start-up app that puts shelter animals in loving homes.I will challenge you and when need be, call you on your sh*t. (Then again, you'll always have this Tumblr, Tinder Guys With Tigers.) Other Vegas Baby pics: Posing in clubs with women many levels out of their league; grabbing the bottle of vodka from a random table to snap a quick pic and hoping no one notices; fedoras, facial hair, bad suits, pick-up artist vibes. Google just bought it from me but it's still my baby." In the words of Dark Helmet in Spaceballs… You're just gonna have to settle for one of the above.Playful, outdoorsy, health conscious.") If you're up at 7 AM for a sunrise hike, or give yourself the heavy guilt trip when you skip a leg day at the gym, congrats! Enjoy your own people, have fun at your mud runs, and please, take them off the hands of people like me, whose idea of a strenuous workout is crossing an entire outlet mall in a leisurely four hours. If Fedora The Explorer is your type, then *slot-machine noises* you've just won big. It is not my Tinder profe pic, but it was my FB profile pic many years back because my rack looks great in it.) Grainy photos taken with a webcam in the dude's basement, mere feet where he'll likely eventually store you after whatever ritual he has in mind; Smiling close-ups that reveal all of his teeth; posing next to women whose eyes he's covered with X's; sharpening his hatchet. "Fooooled Youuuu." Keep swiping, left, right, left… Sure, you're "secreting" him onto this app as we speak, but The Perfect Man will play coy, avoiding Tinder at all costs. Related: You were wondering when baby tigers were going to come up, weren't you? But if you, like me, will only accept perfectly carved goatees on ex-Backstreet Boys members and Riff-Raff ONLY, then left it is and let's move on. Photos of him brewing beer in small batches; carelessly strumming his acoustic guitar while admiring a distant sunrise; heavily filtered pictures of him and his attractive friends at a farm-to-table brunch; selfies resembling one of the cards in the game "Guess Who?