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I kissed dating goodbye discussion questions
at nineteen- and even as I read it- as a wide eyed girl longing for a picture perfect marriage in my future, something was missing for me.
I sat for hours listening to straight white men talk about how there would be college professors who would challenge my faith and ridicule me for believing in God, and how there would be roommates, friends, or coworkers that would pressure me into having sex — because having sex as a good straight Christian woman, as we all know, is the cardinal sin.
I honestly think that most evangelical Christians subconsciously believe that consensual sex between men and women is worse than rape.
, and the scene where Aladdin and Jasmine kiss for the first time came on.
My mother made a face and said, “they should have waited until they got married to do that.” That is the very first bit of sex education I remember: you should wait until marriage to do anything remotely sexual and if you don’t, there’s something wrong with you. Because I was a very curious and sexually driven child, I learned from sneaking books off my dad’s bookshelf about the consequences of sexual abuse and rape.
My introduction to sex education was not presented as something that loving partners did to care for each other, but rather something horrific and ugly that a man did to a woman or child.
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I learned very quickly that sex was shameful, and not something you talked about openly.Cut to when I was a teenager and learning how to masturbate.At some point I discovered how useful a shower head was for an orgasm.It was glorious, but I instinctively knew that I could never tell anyone about it.Purity culture doesn’t curb sexual appetites, it just teaches you how to hide them.Especially when your best friend comes over for sleepovers and you spend the night touching her body and kissing her neck.I didn’t know what being gay or queer was back then, but I knew that I loved her as much as I loved the cute guy in my youth group. All those phrases drilled into my head from a young age haunted me: “you’re dirty,” “you’re impure,” “no man will want you now,” “you’re damaged,” “you’re a slut.” Purity culture isn’t just some cutesy romantic ideal that protects you from pain., the ideals presented weren’t foreign to me, it just put a more romantic spin on the whole “save yourself for marriage or else no good Christian man will ever want your whore ass” bullshit. It’s misogyny cloaked in religious language programmed to make women hate themselves and hate one of the main things that makes them who they are. He took me in when the church looked down on me for losing my virginity, my ministry kicking me out, and my “friends” slipping away.It seemed like a really good idea at the time, because I was in college and involved in a Christian ministry where women were constantly critiqued for the style of clothing they wore, the way they spent their time, what men they spent their time with, and if they were “flirting” too much. He spent many late nights convincing me not to harm myself, that it was all going to be ok. That man is the main reason I’m alive and decently happy today. I had the worst panic attacks at the beginning because I was convinced our relationship would fall apart and he would leave me because that’s what Joshua Harris and my parents and the church and everyone else said would happen. And eventually I figured out I was anything but a good straight monogamous Christian girl.I wanted so desperately to be loved, so I threw myself into following all the rules and suppressing my sexual urges. Unfortunately, my sex drive is a powerful thing, and I finally broke down and had “penis in vagina” sex for the first time with a guy I’d been dating for a month. After a year of us being great platonic friends and both of us being in therapy, we started dating. I’m talking about breaking down sobbing and screaming while he was still inside me. He would always hold me and tell me it was gonna be ok, that I was safe. Two years into my relationship with my boyfriend, I came to him because I realized I wanted a girlfriend too. It wasn’t easy, I still had a lot of emotional baggage to cope with and he had to deal with the insecurity of his partner wanting to be with other people while still being with him.So if anything, my story should provide anecdotal evidence that purity culture doesn’t always produce the results they’re hoping for.